Chronic pain can have a widespread impact on a person’s life and the lives of those around them. Many people who experience chronic pain struggle to explain their pain experience to those closest to them. This is the first blog in a series focused on helping people to better explain their pain and needs to others, by giving you things to consider when deciding to explain your pain condition to family and friends, children, and your employers. This blog is specifically focused on things to consider when explaining your pain experience and needs to friends and family.
Decide who you want to share with and what you want to share
An important thing to consider is who you are comfortable sharing your pain experience with. For example, someone who you feel is likely to understand what you are explaining, and who can give you support. It could also be useful to consider what information you are comfortable to share and what would be most helpful for others to know going forward.
It can be helpful to be as clear and honest as you can when explaining how you feel to friends and family, rather than hiding your true feelings. While it can be nerve-wracking at first, in the long-term hiding your true feelings and pain experience from others can lead to isolation and a lack of support. Being clear and honest can help others to have a clearer understanding and more realistic expectations, so family and friends know whether you are able to do some activities or need additional support.
Be assertive when communicating rather than passive or aggressive
When explaining your pain experience and needs, how you communicate can make a big difference. Consider avoiding communicating in a way that is passive and ignores your needs in favour of others, such as saying “I’m fine” despite being in pain and needing support. It can also be unhelpful to communicate in an aggressive way that blames others and puts your needs above theirs. Snapping at others when you are in pain or being passive aggressive can often lead to more arguments and make it less likely others will understand.
It can be more effective to communicate in an assertive way: Assertive communication finds the middle ground in communication where everyone’s boundaries are respected, and all perspectives and views are considered. This means:
- Communicating in a way that acknowledges respects your rights and needs, as well as those of friends and family.
- Expressing your thoughts and feelings whilst listening to the other perspectives.
- Responding calmly to friends and family.
Explain how pain affects your ability to function rather than how it feels
Pain is very complex and difficult to explain in words, especially if you are trying to describe what your pain feels like. When talking to family and friends, it can be more helpful to consider focusing on what is important for others to understand, such as how pain affects you emotionally and your ability to function in day-to-day life, and how you would like others to help.
For example, rather than saying “My leg feels like it is on fire”, it might be more helpful to say “I’m having a bad pain day today, and am struggling to do anything that involves bending, it would really help if you could do the washing”. This can help friends and family members to have a clearer understanding of the situation and how best to help.
Be patient with yourself and with others
Putting this into practice and building understanding requires patience and persistence. It is important to allow yourself and your friends and family time and practice to develop a better understanding of each other.
Final Note
Whilst it can be initially stressful to start the conversation about your pain experience with family and friends, putting the above into practice can help family and friends to better understand you, your pain experience, and needs, and therefore be better able to support you in your daily life.
Matt Liptrot (Assistant Psychologist – Walton Centre Pain Management Programme)
Pain Management Programme 
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